The Big Four Oh!

Oh dear lord say it isn’t so…

Over the last few weeks I have been offered the following helpful advice or words of comfort…

“It’s only a number”

“You’re as young as you feel”

 

And of course…

“Life Begins at 40!”

None of these words offer any consolation in the slightest of course, as the milestone I’ve hit today sends shudders down my spine. Just say it out loud - FORTY. What a horrible sound it makes.

To those that have yet to reach this anniversary it sounds like this:

                To a child under 11          - “Do numbers go that high!”

                To a child aged 11-15      - “Ha ha I’ll never be that old!”

                To an adult under 25       - “By that age I’m going to have hit all my goals or I’m going to top  myself”

                To an adult aged 25-29   - “Forget that… 30’s on the way”

                To an adult aged 30         - “Bloody hell next stop 40!”

                To an adult aged 31-35   - “Ha ha a few of my friends are turning 40!”

                To an adult aged 35-38   - “It’s getting close, I’m going to think about something else”

                To an adult aged 39         - “Oh shit!”

Those over 40 always respond with the same comments to the reaction of turning 40…

“You wait till you get to my age”

and
“It only goes quicker from there!”

…this isn’t by way of sympathy or empathy, no it’s usually with more then a hint of pure loathing!

Here are a list of symptoms you will probably have suffered all or some of if you have reached this grand old age:

                A Bad back

                Muscle ache

Finding Gandalf the Grey in the shrubbery around the mighty oak (thankfully I’ve yet to reach this landmark!)

Bad knees

Getting out of bed without an audible gasp becomes impossible

The hope that you WILL get some socks for Christmas

A Bad back

The inability to comprehend that Top Gun came out thirty years ago

Repeating oneself without realising

Of course I can console myself with the thought that I have a fabulous wife and two wonderful children… at least they’re not FORTY... now that would make me feel old! But then you start doing the maths, when my seven year old son turns forty I’ll be (hold on let me get the calculator out, I’m not as quick mentally as I used to be!)… yes that’s it… I’ll be bloody ancient. I’m not even going to think about my 3 month old daughter!

I suppose I had better learn to accept it and get on with my life… right I’m off down the McLaren garage to get a nice new motor.

Humour – You’ve either got it or you’re me!

When I was eight years old I and a few other classmates decided to try making up jokes to impress each other. This is easier said then done, now I know lots of people are funny but they are either retelling jokes they have heard or commenting on current situations. No what we were trying to do was actually come up with a joke from scratch.

And I managed to do one!!!

Now what you are probably thinking now is tell me what this amazing concoction is, depart your pearl of comic genius upon me. Well it wasn’t funny, like I said I was eight at the time… everything is funny when your eight and this barely drew a titter! But it struck me as I got older that you never really meet people who have come up with genuinely funny jokes. We have all seen comedians on the TV or even managed to see one or two live… but very few of us are friends with these individuals.

However I had now become one of these founding fathers. I had longed to follow in the footsteps of those great visionaries who had given the world Knock Knock jokes, or Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road Puns. Speaking of which my brother was the Salvador Dali of Chicken Crossing the Road Jokes… at five years old he gave us this ditty:

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Umbrella!
Sami: aged 5

Nine years later I was to have my dream fulfilled whilst serving in Her Majesties British Army.  One of my fellow Soldiers who was from Newcastle (or it could have been Liverpool I can’t remember which!) told me my very own joke back to me!

It still wasn’t funny (despite the comedy accent he told it in!).

The really strange thing however is this… the chap that told me the joke was born on exactly the same day, month and year as me! Weird! But anyway I have teased you enough, here in all its glory is the very joke I made up when a child repeated back to me nearly a decade later. Enjoy…

Did you hear about the Irish Lamp post? It pissed on a Dog!

Haf: aged 8

Boom Boom!!!

I TOLD YOU IT WASN’T FUNNY!

Can you believe my mother didn't believe me when I said I had made that joke up. Now why-o-why would I pretend to have made that up lol.

Well as a tribute to looking back at the gem I created I have attempted to invent some brand new jokes (these are equally as bad, well they only took me half an hour to come up with them so what do you expect!). I apologise in advance for what I am about to commit!

I was drinking a bottle of wine the other day, it said serve at room temperature. It was horrible… I was in a Sauna at the time!

They say one in eleven men are gay… that’s why I can only play 5 a-side football!

Someone asked me how I took my Tea, I replied orally!

My son asked me where babies come from, I told him I have no idea… I always fake it!

Did you know the most commonly used letter in the “alphabet” is E, I thought it was A!

Apparently it’s impolite to pass wind in public, that’s why I always drive patiently behind it!

Did you know the smallest bones in the human body are found in your ear… that’s why I never hear what my wife is going on about, I’m bone idle!

If things are going to get bad “The shit hits the fan”. If someone is provoking the situation they are “Fanning the flames”. Well personally I have always been a Fan of the Truth!

Did you know honey is the only natural food which never goes off, I always thought it was the most loyal thing in our pantry!

My son asked me what I think he will be when he’s older… I told him more expensive!

Apparently there are many allegories in the Bible… Does that mean it’s a work of fiction?

In Space no one can hear you scream… that’s why they only watch Rom Coms on the International Space Station!

Did you know frogs can't swallow with their eyes open… that’s why I always blindfold them!

If you fall in love, will you always land with a bump?

My love life is like Star Wars… Han Solo but always trying to Leia!

The Judge asked me why I killed the Board Guy holding the Golf Shop sign on Oxford Street… I told him I was shooting a commercial!

Did you know the hyoid bone in your throat is the only bone in your body not attached to any other… you can make up your own jokes for that fact!

This will probably be my last ever blog as I am sure I will be locked up for crimes against humour and tortured to within an inch of my life… and then tortured some more!