It’s that time of year again when peace and good will to all men (and women) is spread across the country in an embrace of Christian values.
Is it b*ll*cks!
It’s the time of year when you run low on cash, patience and personal standards.
Present buying can be a real nightmare, stripping you of cash and imagination. I don’t know how many times I’ve had the best idea for presents for friends and relatives the day after Christmas… known in the UK as Boxing Day.
- * Note: When I was a kid I always thought that Boxing Day was the day we disposed of the boxes that our presents came in! But apparently it isn’t, nor is it the day that parents box their kid’s ears for complaints about not receiving presents they thought they deserved! It’s not even the day that Cricketers give thanks to the protection they have received throughout the year guarding their Baubles from harm!
- * Names have been changed to protect the innocent… namely me from irate relatives who may read this!
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| Shopping in my dressing gown, the only way to go! |
But that gormless face is nothing compared to the one that accompanies that first reluctant look at your bank balance halfway through the month. Each January you vow that this year will be different – “I WILL spread my present buying over two or three months so as not to panic come Christmas Eve” and of course to have a few pennies left over to see you through the longest month of your life… the month between pay day in December and pay day in January!!! The thing is you not only have presents to buy, but also food, drink and the dreaded OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY… you can almost hear the dramatic music playing in the background as you read it!
This is the venue where you often lose your shame, morals, standards and the contents of your stomach often all at the same time. Why-o-why do we invest so much into the occasion when we know that the ultimate end game is disgrace and disappointment? The women in the office will often buy a new outfit for the occasion, agonising over whether the new dress they have just bought makes them look fat or not. Well excuse me, but I wish you had thought about that when you picked those incredibly tight pair of leggings that you thought was appropriate to be worn in a place of work! I've watched cookery programs where some amateur has to learn to fill a sausage but often the misshapen mess bulges through the delicate skin creating a vision of a blubbery balloon devoid of air, filled instead with offal! Well that is what comes to mind 5 days a week when you shuffle pass in your dire attire.
Before you accuse me of being a sexist pig, let me assure you we men are no better. Marvel at that carefully crafted head of hair gelled/waxed/moused into what can only be described as the Gaudi’s Unfinished Cathedral of Bouffant design! Add to the chemical mix the nasal burning half bottle of deodorant we absorb and the three fluid litres of aftershave we bath in, it’s the modern version of hitting a woman over the head with our caveman club. Waft them into submission!
The ultimate goals of Christmas parties appear as such:
Single Men: This one is a simple one… get laid. Hopefully more than once during the night with as many different woman as possible whether they are single or not. The reality is either an early night with the internet’s finest cinematic highlights, or a desperate liaison with Betty Thong Gone *
- * again names changed to protect the (not so) innocent!
The sad desperate scene that we have all witnessed is Single Man who has been turned down come nights end, sitting or more like slumped comatose in the corner crying into his regurgitated glass of lager. He’s a pathetic mess of jilted pheromones and unfilled desires, his attempt at rising to his feet results in a rapid embrace of the alcohol soaked floor. His descent from vertical to prone embarrassment fulfilled by the urinal splashback soaked crotch cementing his new nickname of Piss Pants Pete!
Younger Women: I don’t know what it is about the office party, or actually nights out in general that turns perfectly straight women into mock lesbians. I’ve lost track of the amount of pseudo girl on girl action that happens on these nights, at first I thought it was to entice/frustrate or even mock the men, but no this seems to happen even without the attention of the elbowing to each other Oi Oi brigade. Either crack on with it or stop, the tongue between the split V fingers photo pose is just plain embarrassing!
Older Men: You are not young anymore. You did not once date a super model nor will you in the future. Despite what a certain London based soap opera will tell you, receding hair and wrinkles does not a sex symbol make! Your pitiful attempts to woo that 18 year old office junior are doomed to failure despite the amount of alcohol you try to ply her with!
The office couple: Public displays of affection just look like acts of desperation fooling no one into believing that your overblown romance is nothing but doomed to future awkwardness when you break up and still have to sit opposite each other with nothing but a couple of computer monitors between you!
The Sobers: The smuggest of the bunch, knowing full well that Monday morning will bring a wave of people asking you whether they really did what they only half remembered doing. Your reward for enduring the actual banality of the party has now come to fruition and you take great delight in tormenting the poor desperate individual as you take your time embellishing every little misdemeanour… and even making a few more up for good measure.
I won’t bring myself to confirm if I have ever fallen foul of any of the above clichés, suffice to say… well yes and maybe more then one of them! But my lips are sealed… until prompted by the prospect of some more free booze at the office summer BBQ!
We can all embarrass ourselves at the office Christmas party but in yesteryear without the inconvenient ever present reality of mobile phone cameras and social media this was perfectly acceptable. Now your transgressions can be displayed to all and sundry, including your children, parents and partners.
Bear that in mind the next time you decide to show everyone your elephant impression on the office party dance floor!!!
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